Truth or Consequences II
If you feel a deep gravitational longing in your heart towards someone, do not question why that is.
So you were reincarnated. You share the same heart with someone else, and this is why you always sensed an uncanny parallelism between you and this other person. Big deal!
Perhaps easier said than done. Perhaps easier said than to believe.
I have been soul searching for the past four years, even though I have always known my soul. However, I knew my soul as independent and detached from any particular item, place, or person… except maybe for my precious cat whom I’m aware at a soul level was my owl companion in a sorceress past life. I never even considered it a possibility to fall deeply in love with a PERSON with whom encounters were brief, and communication always miserably failed… fall so deep into a pitfall of circumstances that I didn’t understand, to the point of creating this unfamiliar emotion into a dangerous entity that I should be wary of.
So I’ve spent two of those years questioning my heart instead of trusting it, and for the expansion of this time, it has felt more like two hundred lifetimes instead of two years. One year– or should I say, millennia– ago, this soul-searching journey led me to Truth or Consequences, New Mexico. Before going, I had a vivid dream of it. The name would continually present itself before my eyes in my path, and I would gaze in enamored curiosity at the sights of it in magazines. So familiar. Eerie and untraveled, almost frightening… but familiar and enticing. My perception was that the Universe was prompting me to move there for awhile.
I drove two thousand miles to get there, stopping in other random towns along the way. T or C was intense— the energies and its aura were even more vivid than the dream. It was enticing, but I was afraid to end up there. It seemed like a risky place to live, for whatever reason, and I was unaccustomed to taking risks… especially on such a deep and dark emotional terrace, even though I felt acquainted with it as though I had been there before. I’d always felt as though I’d need permission to take such risks to which the outcome was an eternally unknown void.
And so it was, also, with the yet undefined emotions I was experiencing that had created this cloud of fog around my head, and an imbalance in my gut. What was this strange entity, wreaking havoc on my adrenals and creating symptoms such as brain fog, lack of concentration, bloating, and chronic sinus congestion?
I had no other option than to travel back to my hometown in Wyoming after passing through the next town south, Silver City (another acronym town with a hidden meaning behind its name), due to these underlying health issues with no identified root cause. Without getting into the complexity of details about how… I was “guided” to move to Evergreen, CO.
The day came when an opening into the unknown void and my heart’s clairvoyant essence became clear enough for me to tell myself, You know, you don’t have to live like this. It was a prompting into a new world, an unfamiliar territory I had not yet tread upon and didn’t feel as though I had anyone’s permission to do so… but my heart’s urge was so strong that how could I live in this lifetime if I resisted the call? It seemed to me that this was a larger-than-life deal… something that would save the World… or maybe my soul.
Somehow, even though I was strong, poised, and confident enough to make the call and speak my soul’s truth in pure directness and even felt excited about it– I didn’t do it in the divine timing of my heart’s nature. Because when one’s heart is attuned to nature and all positive forces, how could one possibly question this divine, obvious Truth? I allowed my mind to rule my soul’s truth about love, hence the lyrics emerged:
Signs in the River, signs from the Galaxy/ Two horses runnin’ wild down highway 70/ Owls shout, ‘Can you hear me?’/ Angels call, ‘Babe, you better set your heart free.
And I hoped to God this would be an adequate substitute.
I have been living in Consequences ever since.
I didn’t realize how severe the consequences would be. Black magic, continuous stubbing of my right toe, overwhelming presences tugging at each of my hands– the complete loss of love and light and power. The second time I have experienced Susto, the loss of soul. Living in Susto, also known as pure hell or maybe some type of purgatory, I realized when I was dog-sitting at a 10,000 ft altitude home, that even through purgatory-hell, a glimpse of Heaven is possible (thanks to a visit from my second cousin and strangely beautiful happenstance settings that seemed too shiny and ethereal to be reality).
It took one more summer trip to New Mexico and series of intense ceremonies to literally see visions of my purpose and how I’d allowed other forces to take that away from me… and that in this lost state, I was so far from my truth I literally didn’t know where I was. The darkest forces had overcome my mind, ruled by negativity so that I was ‘choking back breath in a big black cloud of smoke’— another premonition from my song– and it took days of the radio nagging me about my lost soul’s truth of my core essence, and encouraging me to speak, for me to at least be aware of my intuition to drive to a close relative’s house and there– I was given permission for the first time to take action upon my long-lost heart’s desires.
I felt the cloud of dark snake energies slithering away from my aura, something I didn’t know was present. This is just one energy I was at the time completely unaware of. The cage that I’d put my heart in was released, and I felt a zap of pressure released from the base of my spine.
Yet through the chaos of it all, it seems the Universal sources were COMPLETELY aware of my journey to such an intimidating degree that I had reason to be skeptical of even that. Yet I am eternally grateful for this direct, divine communication with the Universe and hopefully only lovely light entities. It provided me with complicated series of events that were direct messages of hope– or maybe tests– from some kind of guiding force. Perhaps the butterfly spirit totem. These stories and messages are so direct that maybe I can only hope to describe them in another post. But perhaps these stories also can test one’s truth.
Love is real… what you feel is always going to be real, even if it is only to yourself. But if you continue to repress the emotion, you will begin to feel as though you yourself are not real, because you are not being true to yourself. Speak what you’d like to say; it is always reciprocated through the workings of Spirit if you are aware of that or not. Something that may be difficult to accept, but frequently an occurring fact, is that love is not always reciprocated immediately by the person whom you give it to. Nevertheless, keep giving it at the times your heart, intuition, and perhaps obvious and intense signs from the Galaxies prompt you to do so as they did for me… trust yourself, because you are real. And if you don’t, consequences will prevail.
Even if “I love you” is the scariest thing– perhaps even scarier than encountering snakes while swimming in a lake, as I once mentioned– saying it to someone who completes your heart, even if they were never a part of your life, will bring about a flood of graciousness from the Universe… an opening into the void of life and love, far more miracles than you would have ever imagined.
The lessons I have learned from living in fear of love for the past year are:
- Never stop expressing love and hope to someone you feel connected to, because you can’t make assumptions about their struggles or reason for unresponsiveness.
- The Universe will reciprocate love back to you in the ways of cosmic karma for any attempt you make at expressing love… equivalent to the directness and genuineness of your wording.
- Do not doubt the power of love to resurrect the soul of someone you love. This could be your destiny!
- Trust your intuition. You yourself are a divine gift.
- Take risks in the name of love as often as possible, even if it hurts. You will be rewarded.
- If you make a list of intentions to be fulfilled in a certain place you will call home, these divine gifts will not simply come to you for free if you are living under a shell of false hope. You can’t expect to simply be rewarded love when you have not given the love you hold to the one(s) you are holding it for. Crack the shell. Health will be restored.